While there’s a lot that goes on in the bedroom, some acts are just more personal. It’s a well-known fact that from about day one babies touch themselves but the question is how to address it as we grow older. Yes, I’m talking about Masturbation. It’s something that humans naturally do however embarrassing it may be for some people to talk about or address openly.
‘Oh my god, don’t do that! Don’t stick your hand down your pants!’
Before launching into this topic, the first that I want to address is how we as a society have developed so much shame around touching ourselves. “Little kids are always touching themselves and it depends on how the parents choose to respond to that and explain the right time and place, but not to freak out and say ‘Oh my god, don’t do that! Don’t stick your hand down your pants!’,” explained E a parent of three kids ranging from a 12-year-old girl to an 18-year-old boy. “ Rather [parents should be] saying, ‘We do that in the bedroom’ in a way that’s not shaming.”
As a parent addressing masturbation, it’s easy to get swept up in the impending awkwardness and say way more information than the child was really asking for. While interviewing C, father of a young teenage boy, he said, “It’s really important to be really honest with a kid and pay attention to the question that’s actually being asked. Sometimes kids ask questions about factual information and providing a simple factual answer is all they need, but parents or teachers will provide a very long answer.”
Whether or not you are proactive with your children or let them come to you, the most important thing a parent can do is to not shame their children or put shame around the act of masturbation. Every once in awhile, everyone needs a reminder how natural and healthy it all is—you are just getting to know yourself!
However, when asked if their families had ever spoken about it, a majority of the teenagers and parents interviewed said no. “I don’t think I ever had a conversation about it, not that they wouldn’t have discussed it, I just don’t think it came up,” commented A, a local high school girl. “I mainly just figured it out [on my own]. ”
When I spoke with V, a teenage boy, the first thing that he said was, “People shouldn’t directly expose children to masturbation or tell them how to do it, people shouldn’t sexualize children.” Although V did mention how big an impact the internet has had on him and his experience learning, he added, “I’ve never spoken with my family about masturbation. Our generation grew up mainly with the internet and in that sense, we were raised by the internet.” The influence of the internet on children is becoming more and more relevant not only in topics like porn but also the amount of resources out on the web.
With everyone I spoke with, a consensus emerged for what was the right time and place to address masturbation: mainly, a private setting in hopes not to embarrass the child involved. Nevertheless, E brought up what to do as a parent when someone else’s child brings a topic like masturbation up to you, “It’s a complicated question, because if a kid’s parents don’t want to talk about it, but all of a sudden the kid wants to talk to you about it, [it puts me in a difficult place].” E continued, “If their parents don’t want to talk about it, does that mean that I shouldn’t talk with their child if that is what he or she wants?” In this situation, I think it’s important to keep in mind different families values and respect the choices each family makes.
When talking about masturbation, it’s common that you’ll come across quite a few jokes about teenage boys “jacking off.” This got me to thinking about why there are more references to male masturbation then female masturbation in media. A mentioned how, “Jerking off is just an easier motion to talk about. For girls it’s harder to talk about and reference.”
This is definitely true—it is harder to refrence female masutrbation, and this just adds to the societal stigma around female masturbation. Everyone I interviewed agreed that, overall, female masturbation is a less accepted part of life in comparison to male masturbation. While reflecting on her experience growing up, E remarked, “There is often the experience of being in a group of girls and one girls saying ‘Oh my god, I would never do that!’ and all the other girls looking around and thinking ‘Do you think other people don’t?’and not knowing what to do. Is that the time to speak up and say, ‘Well I do!” she added, “You wouldn’t hear a group of guys saying ‘Oh my god, I’d never jerk off”.
In addition to this, there is the fact that from a young age boys have had sexualized messages thrust upon them, telling them that they must be sexual creatures even from childhood. Just as a boy should feel comfortable not being driven by sexual desire, young women should feel comfortable knowing that masturbation is a healthy and natural part of everyone’s lives.
This notable theme of gender bias continued as I interviewed parents about whether it would be harder to address masturbation or porn with their children. While speaking with E, she remarked, “I have a pretty gender specific view while talking to my son about porn, in comparison to talking about it with my daughter, and that’s not entirely fair.” E also mentioned, “I’m more worried about power dynamics being absorbed by my son as opposed to my daughter, however, I don’t want her to take them in either. Neither should believe that porn portrays a healthy power dynamic, but I’m more frightened to talk to my son about it.”
Now masturbation is a big topic, which comes attached to a lot of smaller side topics. When you think of talking to your teenager/parent about masturbation, I’m sure you don’t think of covering sex toys, but they actually come up quite a lot. Just like “jerking off,” there are tons of references in TV and media to sex toys like dildos and vibrators. Growing up in SF, we’ve all walked by Good Vibrations, and it’s better to talk these toys and what they do than to act like they don’t exist.
“I know my son is aware just by walking around that there are stores like Good Vibrations”
Parent C addressed this by saying, “I know my son is aware just by walking around that there are stores like Good Vibrations, and he knows that they sell vibrators. Even stores like Walgreens sell small vibrators near the safer sex supplies.” C continued, “So being aware that they exist and making resources available for a teen who is thinking about using one so that they know where to get them, that is the limit at which adults should be involved in teens sex lives—just knowing that they exist.”
In comparison, E mentioned a study she had learned about from TV show a while back, “There was a sex researcher on the show recommending that when your daughter is 13 get her this, and 16 get her this, and 18 get her this, and this whole idea that sex toys are a way for a girl to get to know her body and to separate the idea of dependency on another person to feel pleasure.” While this is a very hands-on approach to addressing masturbation, I appreciated how it sought to empower young women to get to know themselves.
Should sex toys be brought up in Sexual Education classes? Is this a topic for more personal interest? Overall, everyone agreed that sex toys should be brought up more in Sex Ed lessons, not necessarily in-depth, but mentioned as a part of the sexual world. “Absolutely, even if it’s just getting the information out there,” suggested E. “When you walk by Good Vibrations and you can’t go in until you’re 18, [you wonder] what’s in there? What is that realm? It would be helpful for people to understand the family tree of what item you put in your vagina, or you put this one in your butt, and just generally demystify it and say that different people like different things so that everyone can understand it.”
However, C did bring up the importance of how to talk about such a personal topic without being too personal or coming off as intrusive, “ I’d always hesitate to talk to young people about themselves specifically, but rather address topics more broadly. You never want to make someone have a conversation about their personal sexlife or intrests as it could be really uncomfortable because it can feel really personal and many people have shame around sexual expression.”
The most important thing to remember is that however you choose to address it, masturbation is a natural and healthy part of life. While learning how to get to know others on a personal level is important, it’s more important to get to know yourself!
