I’m a high school senior who is about to leave my old life behind, but there are a few things I want to reassure myself about before I go… and so I decided to consult my past selves for some advice and ask my future self for a few favors. My film is based around five letters that I have written to five Erins, to let them know that they’ll be okay.
Dear Junior Year Me,
Perfection is not just about control. It’s also about letting go.
You’ve been stressed out. You thought that because you didn’t do enough in your day to day life, you were nothing. Empty. Nothing. So you thought, “Maybe, if I push myself to do more with my life, like be a part of a musical, become an intern, try out for a sports team, along with trying to be a straight A student, I’ll be happy.” By the end of the year, you’re going to realize that you didn’t need any of it. You just needed to be yourself.
Everyday, you would collapse by the time you got home because you pushed yourself too hard. You stopped listening to your favorite music, stopped watching movies, stopped hanging out with the people you love. Stopped everything. Though you did have fun interacting with others during all these extracurriculars, you burnt yourself out. You enjoyed the company of others while doing these activities, but you couldn’t enjoy the company of yourself. In fact, you loathed being alone with your own thoughts.
In senior year, you’ll slowly start to fall into the same habit, but you will learn that you do not need to do everything to be someone. People will appreciate the work you do without you turning into a machine. You’ll learn to appreciate your work, even the tiny mistakes you make. You’ll make time for your friends and time for yourself. You won’t be overwhelmed with everything going on all at the same time. You’ll be okay.
Dear Sophomore Year Me,
What about side by side with a friend?
You’ve been worried about finding a group you connect with. You try to change who you are to fit in with a group that you’re not close to. You keep switching groups to eat lunch with. From the outgoing theater group, to the quiet theater group, to two random dudes you weren’t close to before that point. The point is, you tried to be a part of something. Did you even really want to be a part of that something? Or were you just lonely?
You won’t be lonely forever. You found that group on the field when you wanted to be alone. Though you eventually split off, you had them. You have Pinoy Club, and they all love you. You get closer and closer, yet you feel you still cannot fit in. People talk to you in theater, but you believe that you’ll never be close to them. You get broken up with and you think it’s because you’re supposed to be lonely. That’s just not true.
In senior year, you find yourself in multiple friend groups. Though you still feel a bit like an outcast in theater, you love them. You’ll reconnect with kids from elementary and middle school, you’ll start going out with people more, and you enjoy your time at school. Don’t worry about not fitting in because no one does, but you will find people who, when you’re with them, that doesn’t matter. So don’t worry about it. You’ll be okay.
Dear Freshman Year Me,
He’s stuck out there. He thinks he’s totally alone and that we all gave up on him. What kind of effect does that have on a man psychologically?
You’re alone, but don’t let that hold you back. Wait- What? You… enjoy it? Oh… okay… Well I guess I should break it to you now that you don’t actually love the isolation. Maybe you do. You like being alone. But do you know what you don’t like? Being lonely. You’re going crazy and you’re not even realizing it. Going into lockdown, you expected worse than what it is. No more socializing for how long? How much longer will you be stuck in your room? Right… You “enjoy it.”
Stop lying to yourself. You miss the outdoors, you miss your friends, you miss school. You never thought you’d miss school, but here you are. Sitting in your room, playing Genshin Impact instead of doing the jumping jacks your PE teacher said to do, wishing that you got a real middle school graduation. Wanting to go back to middle school to get a real goodbye and wanting to go into school to meet the new faces. You’re losing your mind, quickly becoming short tempered. You keep saying “I’m fine.” But I know. I know you think you’ll be lonely forever. Even though you don’t mind the absence of people, don’t mind being alone, you hate the idea of being lonely.In senior year, you will hardly remember what that feeling was like. Of course, you still get lonely at times, but you will not be alone. You put yourself out there and people respond. And you’re not lonely, definitely not alone. Believing that you were going to die a single old woman living with 9 cats actually allowed you to not prioritize nor care about being alone. And you know what happens when you don’t care about dying alone? You find someone who makes sure you’re not lonely.Sometimes, the loneliness comes back, but it never lasts more than a few hours. One day, you’ll realize: loneliness doesn’t last forever. There will always be someone to save you. You’ll be okay.
Dear Eighth Grade Me,
Have you any last words before I dispatch you?
Erin, you go to a K-8 grade school, and you’ve grown up with all your classmates. You’ve known them all your life. You’ve known this building all your life. But time’s running out and it’s coming to an end. Calm down, you’re not dying, but you’re doing something very similar. You’re graduating.
I know it seems scary, this transition, this step into a new environment. But, I know you. It’s not the step into a new environment that worries you, it’s the step out of one.
The step out of all you’ve known, out of your comfort zone. Splitting off from friends, detaching from the building. Though that building became your life, you’re not going to lose yourself like how you’re losing the building. I understand how you feel. For the past few years, I have forgotten what that feeling is, but it’s returned. I’m graduating high school, entering an ocean from a small pond. It’s scary, I know. Just a little friendly advice, don’t spend your time worrying about the transition. Spend your time with your friends. Enjoy the time left, enjoy the company, enjoy the building. Embrace the change.
I’d be lying if I said that high school isn’t scary. That new environment is a bit overwhelming, but you’ll quickly learn to love it. Well… tolerate it. I struggled, a little bit, to fit in. To feel a part of something. And I struggled to overcome that fear of change. I still struggle. I don’t know what’s going to happen in college. I don’t know if I’ll know anyone. Will I be alone? And I know you’re thinking of all of those questions right now, as time slowly slips away. So, I’ll tell you what I’m telling myself, you won’t be alone. You won’t suffer. You won’t have all the time in the world, but you will have time. And as days tick down, spend that time with your loved ones, your friends. Don’t worry about the sand in the hourglass, the hands on the clock, or the pages in your calendar. You’ll be okay.
Dear Future me,
Life moves pretty fast. You don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
I hope you look back on all of these letters when you’re going through something and you realize that… You’ve never given up on yourself before, so you never need to.
I hope we’ll achieve many things. I hope we can graduate college, form new bonds, and travel the world. I hope we get back into dance, finally improve in that one video game, spend some quality time with new friends, and learn how to cook. But mostly, I hope that we’ll stay happy.
Of course, you’ll get knocked down every now and then, but it won’t last forever, and you know it. Time will bring you down, but you will get back up. You always do, eventually. Now, I know I have a problem with going for too many things, and you probably do too. So, I don’t expect all my hopes and dreams to come true. And that’s okay. Just.
Don’t forget who we are. When you’re off in college and beyond. Don’t forget who we used to be.
I guess you’ll be more wise than me, so you might think you don’t need to come back and read all of these letters. But, I learned so much just thinking back while writing all these. And in reality, these letters aren’t for our past selves. They’re for you. You can always learn from your past, so… You’ll be okay.
Sincerely,
2024
