Dear Fiya,
Well it’s been awhile hasn’t it? Last time we saw each other, you didn’t seem too keen on striking any conversations beyond “Hi.” Kinda sucked. Although I’ve felt for awhile now how distant you’ve been, that about confirmed those suspicions. Even after apologizing several times, I was still met with the automated response of “it’s cool, it’s fine.” As you continued to put up this facade to keep your real feelings hidden, it had only hastened the distance that grew between us. If I am told “it’s all good” by you, me being the person I am, will think we’re actually “all good.” I’m not good at this friendship stuff so forgive me for taking everything so literal with you. Maybe I would interpret it differently if these weren’t through text, but face-to-face.
If you were hurt by anything I did unintentionally, I would hope to hear that from you and not through someone else. If you were uncomfortable with the people I’m around, don’t make stupid excuses and tell me straight up. Why are you acting so cautious around me as if I was just like everyone else to you?
I still don’t know exactly if we’ve fallen out for sure, our friend group doesn’t exactly inform me everything that happens. This is something I’ve kept to myself, but I’ve found myself to always be out of loop. If something went wrong within our friend group, I’m the last to know. I usually find out there had been an argument months ago, only after being brought up as context to a conversation. I’ve never mentioned it because at the time I wasn’t as close to you all so I thought maybe I didn’t have the “right” to know. In present time, you probably know a lot more about them than I do. Maybe my knowledge of the situation was just thought to have no significance.
Although, it’s a wonder how little petty things here and there, split us up in an instant. The seven years I’ve cherished with you gone, because somehow you convinced yourself I don’t care about you anymore? What happened to the little you pleading for us to never drift? Just a couple months and suddenly we’ve become another case of long distance not working out. But it wasn’t just the time apart, this outcome has been building up for awhile. I don’t know if you know, but I’ve heard some terrible things you accused me of being. I wasn’t furious, but saddened at how easily it seemed for you to bluntly say those things. But no one knows for sure exactly what you may have said, I only know what I’ve been told. Maybe one day you can clear that up for me.
Sometimes I wonder whether this feeling was one sided. I mean, it seems you’re fine with easily dropping seven years of memories to move on. To me at least, I seem to be the only one who still wants this to work.
So in the end, it was a combined effort of jealousy and time apart that brought us to this point. We’ve had nastier fights and yet we break it off here. What was so different? Well, I guess we don’t see each other everyday so we never got that chance to clear things up.
I wish my last texts to you weren’t apologies. At the very least I wished we talked about something else. Anything else.
I miss talking to you.
ALK
